Our perspective toward whatever we encounter in life fundamentally changes how we experience it.
Redefining Stressful Setbacks
Stress itself can be defined as the perception that something is more than we can handle. When we frame challenges as surmountable, we more easily surmount them (or at least begin to work our way forward). When we frame them as opportunities for failure, we more easily fail. That may sound like the most hackneyed, clichéd advice ever—but it is a foundation of resilience research. Resilience relies on how we perceive our lives. So maybe we get queasy watching our child on stage for the first time; anxious and concerned, we start ruminating. Within those thoughts exist layers of assumptions, perspectives, and mental filters: I didn’t prepare her enough, she’s going to embarrass herself, I must do something to save her. If we feel our role is to protect kids from everything, that moment on stage becomes miserable. If we recognize we cannot shield our children from every hurt but we’ve done our best, the experience changes: I’m almost as stressed as she is! Hope it goes well, but I’m here if it doesn’t. Perception itself is malleable—a focus of the military’s resilience training for soldiers. Participants explore mental traps—habitual distortions that undermine emotional well-being. These “icebergs” can be as simple as thinking asking for help is an admission of failure. They might include catastrophizing the worst possible outcome of every situation, or alternatively, minimizing and ignoring whatever overwhelms. One might be an overly active inner critic, letting us know we are not good enough to manage. All represent filters that twist perspective and pull us away from resiliency. With mindfulness practice, we learn to hold these patterns to the light and question ourselves: What is valid, if anything, and what isn’t useful? Is our view inflexible, reactive, or full of doubt? Without belittling ourselves or forcing ourselves to be unnaturally positive, we observe with curiosity, and redirect ourselves until new habits develop. Right, she’s on her own up on stage now; I’m nervous but need to let go. It’s not that every challenge leads to growth; it’s more that whatever happens, we’ll get through it somehow. Uncertainty and change are inevitable in life. But if the only relief we seek is striving to battle uncertainty into submission, that causes needless stress since certainty never happens—and too much stress changes not only how we feel but the choices we make day to day. When we try to fix all we face and reach for a perfect picture of happiness, we often undermine our best intentions. There’s a time for action, but quite often there’s benefit from pausing and letting things be. We can shift our perspective to accept that not knowing everything and every outcome for sure is the norm. The perception that life can be anything other than uncertain and changing pushes us far from our most skillful and resilient selves.
